Halloween is a sentimental time for many. Why, it was only yesterday that I was walking from door to door dressed as a Princess Witch from the 50s, (I believe in Super-costumes. Always have and always will.) taking candy from the strange people who answered the door. Actually, it wasn’t yesterday, although I kind of wish it was because I love free candy. But just because it’s free, doesn’t mean it’s any good. It’s called Trick-or-Treat for a reason. Which brings us to what you came here for: the lists!
The Treats: The Ten Best Halloween Treats
1) Full-Size Candy Bars
Although it’s rare, almost completely unseen, regular sized candy bars are obviously the best type of candy anyone can get for free. Sure, the fun size is just as good, but the regular size is so much bigger!
2) Pixie Stix
A Pixie Stix is basically a straw full of sugar. There is nothing bad about this beautiful treat. You can eat it straight, you can put it on ice cream, and you can win money by snorting it up your nose.
3) Jolly Ranchers
Jolly Ranchers are awesome. They are fruity, shiny, pretty and amazing. They’re like square gems. You can’t really argue against Jolly Ranchers.
4) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Everyone loves the combination of peanut butter and chocolate. Well, not everyone, but most people do.
5) Starbursts
Like Jolly Ranchers, but chewier and much less shiny. Just as awesome.
6) Blow Pops/Tootsie Pops
These are great because they are like two candies in one. “Oh no! This lollipop is almost gone! But wait, there’s more sugary goodness, in the form of a ball of tootsie roll or gum! Rejoice!”
7) M&Ms
M&Ms are always great. They’re a classic, like a little black dress or a well-cooked steak.
8) Airheads
Airheads were great when you were a kid, because they’re a rebellious candy. At least that’s the image that their marketing team has successfully beaten into our brains. Also, mystery flavors are always awesome.
9) Ring Pops
Ring Pops are two treats in one: a neat candy and a lovely piece of jewelry. Ring Pops are an aspirational candy. I’m sure that when Jennifer Lopez of J-Lo fame went trick-or-treating and got one of these, she said to herself, “One day a boy’s going to give me a real one of these. A real one. A pink one. And then we’ll get married.” And she was half right.
10) Nerds
Nerds are just beautiful. Not only are they pure sugar, but they’re like snowflakes: no two nerds are exactly alike.
The Tricks: The Ten Worst Halloween “Treats”
1) Pennies
Usually I’m cool with free money, but pennies on Halloween is always a big, fat no-no. If you were thinking of handing out pennies, do yourself a favor and use those pennies to buy real candy.
2) Raisins
Raisins are not “nature’s candy.” In fact they are not candy at all. They are dried fruit. And there is no place for fruit in Halloween.
3) Apples
As previously stated, Halloween is not a holiday for fruit. If it isn’t 80% sugar or chocolate coated, no one wants it. Maybe Candy Apples would be acceptable, but even then it’s still mostly apple.
4) Wendy’s Frosty Coupons
To a kid, this coupon means absolutely nothing. In order to get the treat, he has to go to Wendy’s, and although that may happen in the near future, it’s not happening now. And if there’s one thing (besides for fruit) that has no place in Halloween, it’s delayed gratification.
5) Mary Jane Peanut Butter Things
I don’t know where you get these things, or why they exist, but they shouldn’t be purchased and then given out to children. They are nasty.
6) Off-Brand Chocolate and Hard Candy
This is about butterscotch candies, peppermints and the strawberry candies in the picture. Although they’re alright, taste-wise, they’re no Snickers or Reese’s Pieces.
7) Pencils
You may think that giving out Halloween themed pencils is a good idea, but let me assure you, it’s not. Kids don’t like pencils, no matter what crazy crap is printed on them. Sorry to tell you this, but you’re house is getting egged. I can’t control the kids, you should have thought about that before you gave out pencils. Maybe you should buy some real candy next year.
8) Fresh Baked Cookies
You are probably thinking, “cookies are great! Why are they on this list?! I demand answers!” Of course, cookies are great, but you shouldn’t be giving them out on Halloween. Frankly, parents do not trust people who give out freshly made cookies because the dangerous baked-in possibilities are endless (poison, razor blades, mind control serum). Secondly, cookies do not sit well in big bags of candy. By the end of the night, cookies end up in crumbly messes at the bottom of a big sack-o-treats.
9) Wax Lips/Fangs
What is this? This isn’t candy. But kids are going to try to eat it anyway. And thus, they will find that out the hard way. And their parents will be angry as hell when they have to take little Dylan to the hospital because swallowed some of the Wax Fangs you gave out. It’s best not to give out a choking hazard.
10) Religious Tracts
Ah, the Fundamental Christians. Not satisfied with simply calling Halloween a Satanic holiday and forcing their kids to stay home and think about Jesus and not having sex before marriage, they have started to give out religious tracts to children who just wanted some candy.
This post is full of win. I’m compelled to add toothpaste to the bad list, though– my next door neighbor growing up was a dentist, and I felt let down evvvvvery Halloween.
UGH- TOOTHPASTE?! FOR REAL?!
YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR GETS AN F FOR FAIL.
Wait a sec.
They make SMORES BARS?
Why didn’t I know about this?
Ewww Fundie propaganda, on Halloween? No thanks.
We got full sized chocolate bars from one house in our neighbourhood, we always got there early, otherwise it was fun size for you!
I’d like to add Kit Kats to the good candy list. I’ll fight anyone for some Kit Kats, even adorable 5 year olds in costumes. Because I am mature like that.
HAY- I HAPPEN TO LIKE THE MARY JANE PEANUT BUTTER THINGS. THEY TASTE GREAT WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK.
ALSO, I WOULD CUSS A MOTHERFUCKER WHO GAVE A ME TRACT ON HALLOWEEN. WHAT THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE THINKING?!
one of my neighbors used to make me a whole special themed bag of candy when i was little, with little toys in it too. full sized candy, toys, and love.
so awesome.
I was a nerdy child, so I always loved getting the pretty pencils. But I also enjoyed the house in the neighborhood that gave out the full-size bars. They were awesome.
We have always given out full size candy bars to the older children that have to take their little siblings around. It was our way of trying to help their night a little bit since really, no middle school or high school kid wants to spend Halloween with their 5 or 6 year old kid sister or brother. But if they come to our house, they get big candy bars! And sometimes even two of them!
Can we just end it about the razor blades /poison in the cookie/apple/candy?!
Jeez, it’s like you talked to my mother.